7 Tips : What To Do When… Your Child Says, “Mama, Look At THAT Kid!”

 

In the foreground a child's finger points to a young boy, blurred, in the background. The boy is crouched on the grass next to a large flowerpot. His posture is slouching and pouty. His arms rest on the flowerpot rim. A toy yellow tractor rests on the grass.

In the foreground a child’s finger points to a young boy, blurred, in the background. The boy crouches on the grass next to a large flowerpot. His posture is slouching and pouty. His arms rest on the flowerpot rim. A toy yellow tractor rests on the grass.

By Erin Schovel Turnham

Nothing quite strikes fear in my heart like my child pointing at another person and saying loudly, “Look, Mama!” Children are naturally curious, and without the social filters we acquire as we age.

A neighbor asked me how to broach the subject with M, her 3 year old daughter. Grasshopper and Sunshine were out playing with M, and Grasshopper had to stop to check his blood sugar. Their friend was obviously curious and while she didn’t ask any questions, her mom wondered how to address it. I was grateful my neighbor reached out.

Close up detail of a swing set chain and part of the swing seat. Blurred background is of a tree and playground equipment.

Close up detail of a swing set chain and part of the swing seat. Blurred background is of a tree and playground equipment.

I took my cue from an experience with another neighbor. Last summer at our playground, Grasshopper played one day with a neighbor girl. They are such a sweet family. My kids had the best time playing with her. She does gymnastics, is a fantastic swimmer, and was so kind to play with my little ones. Neither of my kids remember names well, so I made sure to ask. To my kids everyone is just “my friend.”

Photo was taken in a pool at water level. A child's hand holds a white beach ball with black designs of stars and planets. A pool sign reads 3 1/2 feet. In the background are pool chairs and an umbrella.

Photo was taken in a pool at water level. A child’s hand holds a white beach ball with black designs of stars and planets. A pool sign reads 3 1/2 feet. In the background are pool chairs and an umbrella.

The next time we saw her she was with her family at the pool. Grasshopper was excited to see her again. He and I were on opposite sides of the pool and he SHOUTED to me, “Hey, Mom! There’s the girl with one arm!” Normally my brain is a steel sieve. Information drains right through. Thankfully I remembered her name at that moment and I shouted back, “Her name is MC! Go say hello!” Meanwhile I wanted to sink to the bottom of the pool.

Close up of a colander. This is my brain on motherhood.

Close up of a colander. This is my brain on motherhood.

After Grasshopper greeted his friend, I called him over to our pool side table, and knelt down to talk to him. I asked him how he would feel if someone shouted to him as “that boy with the thing around his waist,” (his insulin pump) or “that kid with the grey thing on” (his Dexcom). Even if it hasn’t happened to him yet it probably will. I reminded him he has a name and so does his friend with a limb difference. Yes, one of MC’s arms ends at her elbow. I reminded him, as we have talked many times before about this exact subject, that people look, move, speak, and behave in different ways. Some people use physical aids we can see like hearing aids, wheelchairs, canes, leg braces, insulin pumps, continuous glucose monitors, or eyeglasses like both Mr. Mister and I do. My eyes began to need some outside help when I was in 4th grade. I was bullied for months but that is a story for another time.

A view of a playground tic-tac-toe game as seen through my glasses.

A view of a playground tic-tac-toe game as seen through my glasses.

Glasses and contact lenses are so common that I don’t even think of them as a medical aid, but that’s what they are. Grasshopper’s body doesn’t make insulin anymore so he needs to either inject it with syringes, an insulin pen or the pump he wears around his waist. People have differences, but their differences are a part of them, not the whole of who they are. 

We can find plenty of similarities, but we can celebrate the differences too. Our differences mean that we have different ways of moving in the world, and that gives us a valuable perspective to share with others. We have to approach people as people first, just as we would like to be approached. I like to hear my name, I love to see a smile and hear a friendly greeting.

A little boy and little girl both in t-shirts, shorts, and rain boots, hug on a green lawn.

A little boy and little girl both in t-shirts, shorts, and rain boots, hug on a green lawn.

Grasshopper happily played with his friend MC again, and I went to talk to her mom, H. She was so gracious. She said she understood from Grasshopper’s enthusiasm that he really was genuinely excited to see his friend again and gave a straightforward description. I asked her if she had any advice on how to handle it and shared what I had told him. She agreed with the importance of learning and using names. She also shared that she encourages her daughter to acknowledge and embrace her differences.

With her help and that of other friends and colleagues, I developed these tips.

7 Tips for Parents : What to Do When…

Your Child Says, “Mama, Look at THAT Person!”

  1. Names Are Important. If they don’t know each other, encourage your child to say hello, introduce themselves and ask the other person’s name.
  2. Staring. Your child might. You might too. It is a natural human tendency. Try to smile. Families with differences receive a lot of attention when out in public. As someone who has been on the receiving end of that attention, it is infinitely easier to bear if the attention seems friendly. Which leads me to…
  3. Ask! Your child might ask questions, and that is ok! Children learn by asking questions and by following your example. Please don’t shush them. That sends the message that the difference your child sees is something shameful. It is not. It probably will feel awkward. Embrace it. Ask kindly, sincerely. Use it as a teaching opportunity.
  4. Find the commonalities. Do you both like movies? What is their favorite book? Do they have a pet?
  5. Respect personal space. Not every moment will be a good time to introduce yourself and ask questions. If it is not a good time, respect the other person’s space. Some people are more comfortable fielding questions than others. Our family is happy to talk about type 1 diabetes, but some are not and that is ok.
  6. Talk about it now. You don’t have to wait until your child meets someone different. Differences are everywhere. Talk to your child about all the differences they might encounter.
  7. Self Advocacy. If you have a child who has a difference encourage them in their own self advocacy. Let them know they can speak up for themselves!

Beyond the blog

Here are some further resources for talking to children about differences:

Books specifically about T1D:

Special thanks to Stephanie Martin, Paraprofessional at Lincoln Parish Schools and Braille Instructor with the National Federation for the Blind (NFB) BELL Academy for her perspective on talking to children about differences and similarities.

Thanks also to Heather Jordan, M.S. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Children’s Harbor, Children’s Hospital of Alabama for her recommendation of the book, “What I Like About Me.”

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